Things I learned from iPhone & Droid ads

More detailed description of things I've learned below
(all quotes are real, with original emphasis preserved)

iPhone

• There's copy & paste. You can paste whole articles from the web with formatting to an email.
• You can shoot, trim and share video.
• While on a call, you can check email, restaurant reservations or shop on the web without leaving the call.
• You can send someone a map via MMS.
• You can make calls or tell it which music to play with voice commands.
• It's useful for nature trips (compass and various apps).
• There's an app to:
  1. pick a gift
  2. pick a wall color for your room
  3. see the map of a ski resort
  4. play Monopoly
  5. find a hotel
  6. find your car on a parking lot
  7. learn to cook from Jamie Oliver
  8. make a quick sale
  9. browse Facebook
  10. play The Sims
  11. find a house on sale
  12. find out what's the song that's being played
  13. help you catch a flight or train
  14. find a restaurant
  15. open Microsoft Office documents
  16. compare how different clothes fit together
  17. track your budget
  18. track stock market
  19. learn guitar chords
  20. learn a new language
  21. browse through a bird watcher's manual
  22. make your own pizza to order
  23. help you find a movie
  24. help you find a parking spot
  25. train your vocabulary
  26. solve crossword puzzles
  27. read classics from popular literature
  28. learn to read (for children)
  29. help golfers, baseball or tennis fans
  30. share photos by holding two phones together
  31. share contacts by bumping two phones together
  32. play scrabble over Bluetooth
  33. have a historical walk of Paris
  34. figure out the Paris metro
  35. send a postcard home
  36. learn how to recognize poisonous plants
  37. print out a shipping label
  38. track FedEx shipping status

Droid

• Droid is to be used with robotic hands in a low-lit hi-tech laboratory or warehouse.
• Droid can take voice commands and give directions by voice, making it the best all knowing awesome homing device, ever. By conclusion, no other device before Droid could show a 3D perspective map, take voice commands or give directions by voice.

• Web browsing on a Droid is superior because it brings you the web in all its glory and all its attended pixels. Other mobile browsers either cut back on "glory" or fail to show certain pixels.

  Surfing the web on a Droid also allows you to reach the farthest expanses of its universe, deepest depths of its oceans. All this without getting as much as a grain of sand in your shorts. This suggest that, previously, males somehow had problems with sand in their lower regions when surfing the web.

• Apparently, Verizon ships Droid phones with stealth fighter jets flying in a tight formation. The phones rest in capsules mounted on top of missiles that are blindly shot by the jets. These missiles are dangerous since they make noticeable craters and can destroy trees and scare horses which would cause them to throw their rider off the saddle.

  Occasionally the missiles are shot into the sea which suggests that Droid is waterproof. This last conclusion is further backed up by the fact that Droid helps you to reach the deepest depths of [the Web's] oceans.

• Droid has a giant screen. It's a 'whopping' 0.2 inch (5 mm) bigger in diagonal comparing to its main competitor. People are expected to have vision precise enough to notice this slight gain in diagonal, but are treated as if they cannot grasp the difference between screen size and screen resolution.
• Droid can run thousands of Android apps with axle-greased ease. Everybody operates with axle grease regularly, already knows what "Android" is and nobody really needs to see what are these thousands of apps actually capable of.
• Instead of a smart phone, we built a robot phone, because you can make a robot crush rocks or have a hole punched through a steel wall. This addresses some common, everyday needs.

• It is suggested that your other phone cannot search for the word "human", or at least does a poor job at doing so. Droid optimizes the search for "human" because it is clear that mostly robots are actually using the phone, and they want to research humans for some reason—probably to find out what they like and crush those things in a hydraulic press.

  Apart from being obviously superior by making a Google search, Droid can also search your contacts for the word "human", but should find nothing because it would be weird to have one. Should you anywhere in the world meet a person or do business with a company with "human" in their name, entering that information in your Droid phone either makes you weird or doesn't guarantee that search will find it.

• Droid does swap semi-functional giggling brat vanity for a bare-knuckle bucket of 'does'. Should this wording be ambiguous to some people, the video clarifies by showing several bright-colored phone cases crushed in a hydraulic press. If you have a feminine phone case, you're a giggling brat with a vanity problem, and you should watch more boxing and get manly.
• Your pretty phone is a tiara-wearing, digitally clueless beauty pageant queen. It's a precious porcelain figurine of a phone. You shouldn't really have a dumb, pretty phone made out of porcelain, because (as demonstrated) porcelain can be crushed in a hydraulic press. It is quite possible that Droid can withstand being crushed.
• If you ever used your phone's glass screen on a sunny day as a mirror to put on makeup or correct your hairdo, you're a princess. With Droid you either can't do that (which is hard to believe, since clear reflections are visible on the Droid) or are strongly discouraged from this practice.
• Holding a Droid in front of you in an outstretched hand will enable you to gain superhuman powers like gliding really fast in the middle of a highway as long as the Google Maps app is on. Still, humans don't usually hold this phone because these superpowers seem difficult to control, as a man is seen to slide off a road, break through a brick wall and continue on another road.
• Droid is fast, like racehorse duct-taped to a scud missile fast. It surfs the web with the speed and power of a pro surfer at pipeline. If you ever fantasized to have wave-shredding web speed so you could rip through the web like a circular saw through a ripe banana, Droid is the phone for you.